The Caveman's Science

My wife threw a hairclip at me today. I skillfully almost avoided it. For the rest of this story, I am going to pretend that I was successful, because the fact that it hit me undoes my example, and other missiles she launched in the past did miss.

Australians and Other Myths of Modern Science

As a Republican, you probably wonder why Newton made up the goofy concept of gravity. Once I converted to Conservatism that was one of my very first questions; and it didn’t take me long to figure it out.

Sunday Inspiration

I am going to tell you a remarkable story just as it happened. I will not so much as stretch a word, or insert a punctuation where the real-life events didn’t have them already. You don’t have to believe it, and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t, but with God as my witness, I confirm this: from the grandest to the smallest, every word is true.

I was reared in the hills where by observing the life of one sacred man I found the meaning of true righteousness.

The Conquest

I am very thirsty and my on-looking enemies don’t care one bit. Assholes! I wouldn’t expect them to show concern for anyone. They stare, some contemptuously, some mockingly. Some of them seem completely oblivious, while others are totally insensitive to my suffering. A few of them pretend to be amused. Smug bastards! Before it’s over, we will win. We will. We always intend to win or else we wouldn’t martyr ourselves this way. 

Thank God for Human Suffering

If I could snap my fingers and remove suffering from the world, I would not do it. I would not even consider it. We need suffering. We need agony. We need torture. I am not crazy, so I would remove my ability to suffer. We don’t need that; but if I could make everyone and everything experience eternal happiness in the afterlife, I would never allow it. No good. Wouldn’t be right. 

Forgiving Herby

Jesus tells me to love my enemies, and to pray for them. I am not going to do that. I will do the best I can to forgive them, but certain conditions must be met first.

The Inquisitor

I wish to tell you about The Inquisitor.

I fear I am going to insult your intelligence. I do not wish umbrage on any of my fellow humans, and especially not on you. I only wish an audience with those who embrace foolish notions about goodness, so you can stop reading here and I will address the other fellow.

The Minds of the Dead

Everyone speculates about what the dead are doing. Are they hanging out near God’s throne, condemned to sing hymns for all eternity in reward for the good lives they lived? Are they agonizing in a different hell, one made of physical pain? Are they recycled, like a tin can or a newspaper, condemned again to the agony of helpless infancy? Perhaps a better fate befalls a human when he shuffles off his mortal coil. Maybe he does not put on another. Could he be dead?

Speaking in Tongues, God Tells Me to Hate Homosexuals

One problem with the debate about homosexuality between the Christian Right and the Liberal Left is that neither side understands what the other is talking about. If you ask them to repeat it by rote, they often could, but the words each sides uses to express their stance are spoken in a language that the other side does not acknowledge as a legitimate tongue. 

Neither Black, nor American, nor the President

I keep reading blogs where the blogger pretends to be astonished that the birthers are still birthing. They expect them to believe that Barack Hussein Obama is an American just because he produced a birth certificate. That is no evidence at all.

Let There Be Light

In recent years, much to my surprise, I have become a strong advocate of the theory of Creationism over Evolution. God’s words resonate, despite my will to overlook them.
After waking my wife this morning, I hit the light switch and commanded: “Ah, let there be light.” Noticing that two of four light bulbs disobeyed the instruction, and wondering how long they had been burnt out, I remembered God. Like a dead light bulb, He often goes unnoticed; and yet He is everything: the beginning and the end, the alpha and the omega, and all other characters ever devised by man.

The Gentleman's Victory

My two favorite bloggers have a few things in common. They are literary and profound thinkers and I would say this is what defines their writings. Still I am irked by the same annoying quality in each of them: their unwillingness to stand up and fight.  

Grandpa's Coins

When I was five years old I thought I understood coins and I was convinced that Grandpa did not. He once gave my sister two dimes and a nickel, and to be fair, he gave me a quarter. My protest, as one might expect, was immediate.

Choosing Dearth

With the economy such as it is, I am approached with much greater frequency than before by a man with a story of his family, just in from Alabama in search of work, who only lacks 13.00 needed to keep from being booted out of Motel Six. I am slowly learning more about this man than he ever intended for me to know.

Gateway to Heaven

Today is not one my best of days. I just found out that I am to be burned at the stake. As if that were not depressing enough, this is a special kind of indestructible stake, and anything that is bound to it is also indestructible, so it would seem I have eternal agony in my near future. My conservative friend informed me that this is the penalty for not believing Jesus is my savoir. There is good news:  if I choose to believe, and if I do not otherwise annoy his deity, I can live eternally in a place he calls heaven. That doesn’t sound too bad!

Earl's God

“Their gods are wood and stone, but our God cannot be destroyed.” As a boy, in fifth grade Bible study, I read these words and they remain with me always as a testament that my God is the final answer. It was the first time I realized that one god could be better than another. Clearly, my God was less vulnerable than these pagan idols, which could easily be destroyed by the ravaging acts of iconoclastic armies. To execute my god, you would minimally have to exterminate everyone with a memory of His existence. A god made of nothing; it’s brilliant: a god with a surface harder than diamonds. A devoted iconoclast, of course, will always find a way.

The Martian Fallacy

I must reluctantly admit that the Martians are more clever than we ever realized. With their wisdom and their technology and their secrecy, they have avoided any real detection by humans who hunger to detect them. The search for red planet extra-terrestrials has always been frustrated by the great distance between their world and ours, and even with our wisdom and our technology and our contempt for their secrecy, we have not even come close. Or, should I say: we had not come close.
Enter July 30, 2010: Scientists have discovered Nili Fossae rocks on Mars.